Learning Self-Love
It wasn’t always this easy to look in the mirror and feel good.My mom pushed me to say something positive to myself — an affirmation.
I wouldn’t believe her advice. I simply didn’t want to do it.
I didn’t think it would work; it was a waste of time.
In reality, it felt difficult, and I felt stupid about how hard it was for me to even say one single nice thing about myself.
“I am worthy of love.”
And I would stare, and the words would not even form in my mind.
“That’s all you have to say, and it would help if you believed it, too,” I gently told myself. But I was stubborn. I fiercely did not believe I was worthy.
“Of what?”
…the nagging, negative voice echoed in the hollows of my mind.
“I am worthy of love.”
My multiple personalities started to speak back…
“No, no, no… that’s too basic. Let’s start with something better.”
Another one chimed in…
“Okay, let’s criticize the affirmation, why don’t we?”
I had to try again.
“Something else, shall we? Maybe something we already believe.”
Eyes fixated upon my own face. Lips staunch with no urgency to move. The battle is all in my head.
“I am pretty.”
Good, easy.
“I am smart.”
Okay, possibly subjective, though I’ll take it. I mean, it may be best to not identify with some sort of external quality. (And so I started again with questioning the mantra). At least we tried. Solid first attempt. “Alright... lets search for some mantras.”
I began to look, not only on the first page of my google results, but around me, for what I desired and what I was lacking. I would notice people who had the confidence and strength I lacked, and I wished for that. If the mantras felt insincere, at least I could be sincere in my wishes.
I gave up on the mantras and I gave into my superstitious thinking.
I began to make wishes again, to purposefully engage with my emotions which had been over-ridden by my rationality for so long.
I would pick eyelashes, blow them and wish for abundance. I would catch 11:11 on the clock and ask for love. I threw coins in ponds and prayed for happiness.
They were simple demands, and the universe had no other choice but to comply.
Remember, we always get what we want (consciously or not).
I had not believed I was good enough, and so the thoughts could never come together until I felt that maybe, just maybe, I was worthy of love.
And as I wished for good things every day, I began to notice them filling my life one by one. No, it was not by some act of cosmic magic (or maybe it was if you believe in a holographic/conscious universe). My newfound perspective came about from noticing the magic around me.
And slowly, I began to notice the magic within me.
I felt powerful. I felt worthy. I even felt worthy of love — from the most critical person of all, the person who knows me best, and who should love me the most (no, not my mom)… myself.
I began to say mantras that were affirming: “I am worthy of respect. I belong. I am loved.”
And I finally came upon one to bring me joy, every day:
“Life has been good to me, and I am very blessed.”
And with these simple beliefs, it has been easier to take every day as it comes. With grace and ease.
The more you repeat something, the more you will believe it.
Even saying something three times, regardless of whether or not it is a truthful statement, will make it seem more real.
So be careful with what you tell yourself. Believe in the good ones. Be reflective enough to know what is true. And get yourself to where you want to go.
You have the power to choose. In every moment.